So here's the deal with this blog, guys. I review movies that are already established to be crap for watchability and over all fun.
The Three Musketeers
Cast:
Logan Lerman
Matthew McFayden
Ray Stevenson
Luke Evans
Milla Jovovich
Christoph Waltz
Orlando Bloom
Mads Mickelson
Plot:
Three ex-members of the kings personal guard and a young man, seeking to join their ranks, uncover a secret plot by a power hungry Cardinal and his wicked henchwoman to start a war with England....oh... and...There are flying machines...we'll get to that later.
The Experience
So, if you didn't see this movie, Congratulations. You happened to be looking the other way for the approximately thirteen seconds it spent in theaters. I myself caught it at a buck fifty second run theater (a glorious addition to any community) and for that reason I felt that the experience was well worth the money. Now some of you may have read the heading and though “Wow, Alexander Dumas' classic swashbuckling tale of adventure and intrigue has been brought to the big screen with a slew of talented actors and a budget necessary to do it justice. Thank God.” This statement would have been true. Some of you may also have said “Well at least they couldn't get further away from the story than that piece of crap Disney made in the 90's.” That statement would have been false.
It would seem that despite a cast of actors largely accepted to be talented and one of the greatest source materials of all time, the people responsible for this little slice of celluloid, sat down at a table, put on their thinking caps, and thought, “How can we truly make Alexander Dumas roll over in his grave”. The answer, flying ships. The central focus of this movie has moved away from an attempt to frame the Queen for an affair, to an attempt to frame the Queen for an affair to start a war with flying boats. Basically take every major scene from the novel and add a flying boat. The death of DeWinter (it's a classic novel and a shitty movie, if this is a spoiler screw you) happens off of a flying boat (oh and she doesn't die so...that's dumb). The climax is a aerial naval battle that is won by the side that figures out “WAIT! The sky is three dimensional”. The major reveal of Athos' relationship with DeWinter is revealed in the beginning as they are stealing plans for a flying ship.
So this should give you some clue as to what was running through the head of those making the films (hint: it's a river of crap). That all being said this movie was a BLAST. I went to it with my girlfriend and our mutual best friend. The glory of movies like this is that if you are at all clever you can MST3K the shit out them, and with a movie this bad the whole theater gets in on the game. Watch this movie with friends. Watch it with a fair amount of beer. Watch it with out any expectations that it will entertain you without some work on your part. It is one of the most enjoyable piles of crap I've seen in a theater. Unfortunately I cannot remember any of the higher quality quips (in the future I will try to remember a few) I think that the highlight of the night was when the couple sitting off of my right shoulder started whispering back and forth and I realized that they were mocking the movie too.
Till next time folks, and if you see a shitty movie, mock the HELL out of it.
